There are so many thoughts and feelings in my head that I don't even know where to begin. Probably making a series of smaller posts would be much better. First of all I feel like I should give up on the whole journal blog thing...... It was the end of 2013 when I last wrote and now we are 3/4 way through 2015. Where does time go? It never stops, won't even slow down for one moment to let you catch your breath. Just drags you along whether you like it or not. Ready or not here it comes and there it goes.
2013 ended with me being informed that marriage to me was no longer acceptable. 2014 came and I got divorced, moved 3 times, and got through by the skin of my teeth. I retreated from church for many reasons, didn't see friends anymore and learned what it was like to be a single mom working full time. And not seeing my kids everyday? UNBEARABLE. So many tears, so many bottles of wine. So much failure. So much hurt and loss. No going back. No rewind button. Just overwhelming feelings of inadequacy.
All I wanted was to be married and have a family. All of that was turned upside down. And I had no moment to catch my breath. No preparation. My family so far away.
You grow up doing all the right things. Being a good Christian girl. Making the "right" decisions. Making people happy. All of that and where did it get me? Divorced. Not seeing my kids every day. My only purpose and I am falling to pieces and losing the only thing I wanted to be. A full time mommy.
But i made it. I survived 2014. And there was some glimmer of hope in there too. Hope for a second chance. My kids and... My guy got me through the hardest time in my life.
Trying to navigate life is so much harder now. Everything is so uncertain. Nothing feels completely safe. And as I struggle to make it. struggle to pay the bills. Have one thing after another go wrong... I see him, who I used to share life with, doing so great. Everything just seems to be going dandy for him. Plenty of money, better house. Lots of land. Nothing is breaking and if it does, no problem he's got the means to fix it. And it doesn't seem fair. I wanted to be peaceful and nice and gave in so much. And I wonder when I'll catch my break. And catch my breath. Doesn't seem like it's coming any time soon...... Dont get me wrong there good for me now too. My kids are good. They keep me going. And I have new love. A second chance.
I just need a moment. I need things to start going smooth. Going all the way right. I need to be able to catch my breath. A moment to breathe deep and know everything is going to be ok.
