Need to breathe

There are so many thoughts and feelings in my head that I don't even know where to begin. Probably making a series of smaller posts would be much better. First of all I feel like I should give up on the whole journal blog thing...... It was the end of 2013 when I last wrote and now we are 3/4 way through 2015. Where does time go? It never stops, won't even slow down for one moment to let you catch your breath. Just drags you along whether you like it or not. Ready or not here it comes and there it goes.

2013 ended with me being informed that marriage to me was no longer acceptable.  2014 came and I got divorced, moved 3 times, and got through by the skin of my teeth. I retreated from church for many reasons, didn't see friends anymore and learned what it was like to be a single mom working full time. And not seeing my kids everyday? UNBEARABLE. So many tears, so many bottles of wine. So much failure. So much hurt and loss. No going back. No rewind button. Just overwhelming feelings of inadequacy.

All I wanted was to be married and have a family. All of that was turned upside down. And I had no moment to catch my breath. No preparation.  My family so far away.

You grow up doing all the right things.  Being a good Christian girl. Making the "right" decisions.  Making people happy.  All of that and where did it get me? Divorced. Not seeing my kids every day. My only purpose and I am falling to pieces and losing the only thing I wanted to be. A full time mommy.

But i made it. I survived 2014.  And there was some glimmer of hope in there too. Hope for a second chance. My kids and... My guy got me through the hardest time in my life.

Trying to navigate life is so much harder now.  Everything is so uncertain.  Nothing feels completely safe.  And as I struggle to make it. struggle to pay the bills.  Have one thing after another go wrong... I see him, who I used to share life with, doing so great.  Everything just seems to be going dandy for him. Plenty of money,  better house. Lots of land.  Nothing is breaking and if it does, no problem he's got the means to fix it.  And it doesn't seem fair. I wanted to be peaceful and nice and gave in so much. And I wonder when I'll catch my break. And catch my breath.  Doesn't seem like it's coming any time soon...... Dont get me wrong there good for me now too. My kids are good. They keep me going. And I have new love. A second chance.

I just need a moment. I need things to start going smooth. Going all the way right. I need to be able to catch my breath. A moment to breathe deep and know everything is going to be ok.

My mind is reeling. It's in a constant state of "motion" and going twenty different ways. It's exhausting. 2014 is a few days away and I am terrified of it. And excited. Apprehensive and Hopeful. There is so much conflict in my mind. The coming year is going to be very challenging.  It might be the most altering year of my life. And while I am not going into what that means right now, as time goes on my story will unfold.There are moments when I wish that I could turn my mind off. That I could sink into oblivion, just for a little bit.  But that is not an option.  So I will just put one foot in front of the other and do what I need to do. I will trust in God's goodness and that He will be with me in the midst of it all. Focus on that ray of sunlight that is piercing the darkness.  A good friend of mine gave me a Christmas cd and on that cd was this song. It was perfect. There is a simple beauty and truth in his words. This post feels disjointed and less than eloquent, but my brain is fried so it is what it is. Enjoy the tune.

Dum Spiro Spero

I haven't written on here in over 2 years.  I was really excited to do this whole blog thing and then life got in the way and suddenly two years went by.  It was kind of interesting looking back and reading my former posts.  Seeing how things were different. Looking at where things are now.  I have a feeling I will be on here a lot more. And I almost wish this blog was under a secret identity.  Then I looked at my profile info and saw how I talked about being real and authentic. Good. Bad. Ugly. Maybe I will still create a blog under a pseudonym.....but you will never know ;)

It's the end of the year. 2014 is right around the corner. 2014. That's so crazy to me. How time flies. And how the older you get the faster it goes. I have a theory about that. When you are a kid a year is so much more a percentage of your lifetime. When you're 5 a year is 1/5th of your entire life. And now here I sit, 31 years old and a year goes by in the blink of an eye.  

I am ready for this year to be over. Just like I was ready for 2012 to be over. And it's been a crazy couple of years. Hard years. Good years. I have had some of the best and worst moments of my life in these last two years.Some of the darkest days of my life have happened, as well as some of the brightest. My life has been a total parallel to my blog name. Dissonant Peace.  And I have a sneaking suspicion that 2014 isn't going to be much different. If only we had a fast forward button to see how it ends. I can only see the horizon. And there are some pretty damn ominous clouds there. But I can still see a little glimmer of the sun peaking through those clouds. Thank God for that, because if I didn't see that the sun was still there, still shining, I would be ready to crawl under a rock and call it. The thing is, when you are a grown up, when you have little humans relying on you, you can't just crawl under a rock.  You can't just give in to the coming storm.  You have to face it, keep going. Dig your heels into the earth and STAND.  

I don't know how it's going to end. I don't know everything that is hurtling toward me. I have some ideas. And it scares me.  So I will focus on the one little ray of sunshine that is peeking through those clouds. I will fix my gaze there because that is where hope lies. 

Dum Spiro Spero. ~While I breathe, I hope. 

Vision of You

I was driving in my car today and was listening to a Shane & Shane cd. One I have listened to countless times and songs I have sung over and over. But today was different because I felt like I REALLY heard this song for the first time and found myself in tears in my car. So, I wanted to share it :)



Vision of You
Come meet us, King Jesus
Oh wind of change blow through this temple
Sweet Spirit of God, come and mend our hearts
For all we have are songs
Unless You come



Awaken what’s inside of me
Tune my heart to all You are in me
Even though You’re here God come
And may the vision of You
Be the death of me
And even though you’ve given everything
Jesus come



Come free us, King Jesus
It’s the only way that freedom’s given
From You and You alone
In the work You’ve already done
For all we have are songs,
Unless You come



Here we are, Lord
In this place
Crying out for
Your embrace
To hear Your voice
More than songs
Please come
Jesus come

You Make All Things New

So I was driving to Pittsburgh in my car yesterday, on Thanksgiving. I was listening to Misty Edwards song, My Soul Longs for You.

"I believe you will come, like the rain. I believe you will come like the rain!
So let it rain, let it rain, let it rain, let it rain!
Hallelujah, Hallelujah You make all things new, all things new.

It's just a matter of time, you're gonna turn it around, in time, time time...."

It was pouring down rain outside. The rain for the last two days has been RELENTLESS. We haven't had alot of rain at all for the past several months but it has been non-stop today.

As I was listening to this song, I began thinking about all that has been going on in our town. Last year Rachel Ray came and blessed Sugartree with a new kitchen and much more. God has been so faithful to that ministry and to the amazing director who is one of the most Jesus-like people I have ever met. So I was thinking about the and our local house of prayer and now Glenn Beck knows about our town and thinks it's an example of faith and hope and is coming to Wilmington in December because he wants America to take Wilmington's lead. Wow. What does God have up His sleeve?!??

So, I am thinking about all this as I am singing and worshipping along interstate 70 east. Then I heard God speak. I love when this happens. He said, " Just as it is raining now and saturating the ground. Just as water prepares the earth for seed and harvest, so I am preparing the ground in Wilmington. I am sending my rain to saturate the city and prepare it for the harvest to come." Immediately I thought, I need to call Robyn Morris. So I did. Bothered her on Thanksgiving because I felt compelled to share this with her. And the best thing is that God had just showed her something he spoke to her in a journal 12 years ago. It went right along with what I said. Definitely a confirmation that God has a plan. A great plan that we can't see yet, but he is preparing hearts. My spirit is alive with anticipation at what our Father has in store. Just as a magician pulls a bouquet of flowers out of his sleeve, so our God has something beautiful to reveal.....at the perfect moment.....and so we wait in anticipation. LET IT RAIN!

Just a Little Addition to my Last Post.....

So in my last post I gave an analogy about feeling like I am finally able to see now and there is a gift in front of me but my hands are tied behind my back. Well, while I was re-reading this in preparation for sharing at WHOP next week, God gave me another analogy for the first analogy….. I must like analogies.

In response to my hands being tied behind my back He said this:

You are like an elephant in captivity. Now I could have stopped God right there with Him calling me an elephant and all, but He continued...thankfully :) It’s like how an elephant is trained or “domesticated”. It lives from the time it's young with its leg chained to a post. It can’t move very far or very well. After years like this, the elephant is used to its lack of mobility. It doesn’t know any different. So when the trainer unchains the elephant’s leg after years of captivity, you would think it would run and relish in its new found freedom. But it doesn’t. It stays in the same crippled state it’s been in its whole life because it doesn’t know any different. It has learned to live in captivity.
Well, turns out my hands aren’t tied at all. I am just holding them there behind my back because I’ve become so accustomed to captivity. But I’m not captive. And I need to stop acting like it.... but how? What a journey I am beginning!!

Help Me In My Unbelief

It all started in the prayer room a couple weeks ago. I was lounging on some pillows looking around at all the prayers written on the chalkboard wall and just began talking to God about some things. Basically asking Him for something big. Something that maybe some people would think silly to talk to God about, but I was.

Now to back up just a bit.... I have always considered myself a person of faith & belief. I have never doubted that God can do anything, give miracles, grant favor, bestow surprise blessings, etc. I can strongly and sincerely stand in faith and believe God for the impossible for OTHER PEOPLE. But if I am really honest, gut wrenchingly, nakedly, humbly honest I have a very hard time believing He wants to and will do the same things for me. Just as strongly and sincerely as I have faith for otherS, I just as equally don't have it for me. I look at the people I know who seem to have so much favor and see God move so evidently in their lives and I know it's because they are better, more selfless, more giving, give better offerings, say nicer things, are better moms, are patient, and the list goes on...

And if i were reading this about another person I would leave a comment telling them how wrong this is and how much God loves them just as much as anyone else and wants to and will do all the same things for them as others. I would tell them it's not about offerings, or patience, or who is nicer....I have that kind of faith for other people. But I think in regards to myself, it has to be about those things. It must be about those things. I know they are better than me. It makes sense that God would do more for them. I get it.

Back to the prayer room. So I am talking to God and asking Him for this big thing, knowing He can, but doubting He will. Thinking all those things I just rambled on about. And so I began asking God why I have such a hard time believing the same for myself as I do for others when it comes to God's love, blessing, favor, etc. Now,I don't always hear God answer when I ask Him a question and KNOW it is Him. I miss hearing his voice the way I used to. But Oh did he speak. And it hit me like a semi truck. He said,

"Because those you trusted and loved most have betrayed you and let you down, you think I will too." Even now, 2 weeks later, writing it down is bringing all the emotions back.

I am sitting in the prayer room in the middle of the day, crying. Anyone could walk in at any moment, and I really didn't want to be crying! But I couldn't stop. His answer was such simple, painful truth, and yet I never realized it. I have put God in a human box. And I want to let Him out but I don't know how.

It's like I was blind and have been given my sight and there is a gift in front of me but my hands are tied behind my back. I don't know if this is encouraging or horribly discouraging! To know this truth and still not know how to put it into action. How do I let go of a lifetime of lies and disappointment and REALLY LET GO? How do I see God as my loving, Heavenly Father? That is almost impossible for me. Friend, Savior, Lord, Creator. EASY. And sometimes I feel like that is enough because trying to imagine him as Father is....almost painful. I have had 2 failures of fathers. EPIC failures. My grandfathers- fail. So how could I believe good for me and another dad relationship? I know the right things to say here, it's all in my head. But my heart is light-years away from my head.

I better stop writing now or this will never end! I could keep going and going and going. Basically I am in a place of recent revelation. I know why I have doubted God. And I want to change it all..... I just don't know how.

So simply put, my hearts DESPERATE cry is " GOD I BELIEVE. HELP ME IN MY UNBELIEF."