It all started in the prayer room a couple weeks ago. I was lounging on some pillows looking around at all the prayers written on the chalkboard wall and just began talking to God about some things. Basically asking Him for something big. Something that maybe some people would think silly to talk to God about, but I was.
Now to back up just a bit.... I have always considered myself a person of faith & belief. I have never doubted that God can do anything, give miracles, grant favor, bestow surprise blessings, etc. I can strongly and sincerely stand in faith and believe God for the impossible for OTHER PEOPLE. But if I am really honest, gut wrenchingly, nakedly, humbly honest I have a very hard time believing He wants to and will do the same things for me. Just as strongly and sincerely as I have faith for otherS, I just as equally don't have it for me. I look at the people I know who seem to have so much favor and see God move so evidently in their lives and I know it's because they are better, more selfless, more giving, give better offerings, say nicer things, are better moms, are patient, and the list goes on...
And if i were reading this about another person I would leave a comment telling them how wrong this is and how much God loves them just as much as anyone else and wants to and will do all the same things for them as others. I would tell them it's not about offerings, or patience, or who is nicer....I have that kind of faith for other people. But I think in regards to myself, it has to be about those things. It must be about those things. I know they are better than me. It makes sense that God would do more for them. I get it.
Back to the prayer room. So I am talking to God and asking Him for this big thing, knowing He can, but doubting He will. Thinking all those things I just rambled on about. And so I began asking God why I have such a hard time believing the same for myself as I do for others when it comes to God's love, blessing, favor, etc. Now,I don't always hear God answer when I ask Him a question and KNOW it is Him. I miss hearing his voice the way I used to. But Oh did he speak. And it hit me like a semi truck. He said,
"Because those you trusted and loved most have betrayed you and let you down, you think I will too." Even now, 2 weeks later, writing it down is bringing all the emotions back.
I am sitting in the prayer room in the middle of the day, crying. Anyone could walk in at any moment, and I really didn't want to be crying! But I couldn't stop. His answer was such simple, painful truth, and yet I never realized it. I have put God in a human box. And I want to let Him out but I don't know how.
It's like I was blind and have been given my sight and there is a gift in front of me but my hands are tied behind my back. I don't know if this is encouraging or horribly discouraging! To know this truth and still not know how to put it into action. How do I let go of a lifetime of lies and disappointment and REALLY LET GO? How do I see God as my loving, Heavenly Father? That is almost impossible for me. Friend, Savior, Lord, Creator. EASY. And sometimes I feel like that is enough because trying to imagine him as Father is....almost painful. I have had 2 failures of fathers. EPIC failures. My grandfathers- fail. So how could I believe good for me and another dad relationship? I know the right things to say here, it's all in my head. But my heart is light-years away from my head.
I better stop writing now or this will never end! I could keep going and going and going. Basically I am in a place of recent revelation. I know why I have doubted God. And I want to change it all..... I just don't know how.
So simply put, my hearts DESPERATE cry is " GOD I BELIEVE. HELP ME IN MY UNBELIEF."
