You Make All Things New

So I was driving to Pittsburgh in my car yesterday, on Thanksgiving. I was listening to Misty Edwards song, My Soul Longs for You.

"I believe you will come, like the rain. I believe you will come like the rain!
So let it rain, let it rain, let it rain, let it rain!
Hallelujah, Hallelujah You make all things new, all things new.

It's just a matter of time, you're gonna turn it around, in time, time time...."

It was pouring down rain outside. The rain for the last two days has been RELENTLESS. We haven't had alot of rain at all for the past several months but it has been non-stop today.

As I was listening to this song, I began thinking about all that has been going on in our town. Last year Rachel Ray came and blessed Sugartree with a new kitchen and much more. God has been so faithful to that ministry and to the amazing director who is one of the most Jesus-like people I have ever met. So I was thinking about the and our local house of prayer and now Glenn Beck knows about our town and thinks it's an example of faith and hope and is coming to Wilmington in December because he wants America to take Wilmington's lead. Wow. What does God have up His sleeve?!??

So, I am thinking about all this as I am singing and worshipping along interstate 70 east. Then I heard God speak. I love when this happens. He said, " Just as it is raining now and saturating the ground. Just as water prepares the earth for seed and harvest, so I am preparing the ground in Wilmington. I am sending my rain to saturate the city and prepare it for the harvest to come." Immediately I thought, I need to call Robyn Morris. So I did. Bothered her on Thanksgiving because I felt compelled to share this with her. And the best thing is that God had just showed her something he spoke to her in a journal 12 years ago. It went right along with what I said. Definitely a confirmation that God has a plan. A great plan that we can't see yet, but he is preparing hearts. My spirit is alive with anticipation at what our Father has in store. Just as a magician pulls a bouquet of flowers out of his sleeve, so our God has something beautiful to reveal.....at the perfect moment.....and so we wait in anticipation. LET IT RAIN!

Just a Little Addition to my Last Post.....

So in my last post I gave an analogy about feeling like I am finally able to see now and there is a gift in front of me but my hands are tied behind my back. Well, while I was re-reading this in preparation for sharing at WHOP next week, God gave me another analogy for the first analogy….. I must like analogies.

In response to my hands being tied behind my back He said this:

You are like an elephant in captivity. Now I could have stopped God right there with Him calling me an elephant and all, but He continued...thankfully :) It’s like how an elephant is trained or “domesticated”. It lives from the time it's young with its leg chained to a post. It can’t move very far or very well. After years like this, the elephant is used to its lack of mobility. It doesn’t know any different. So when the trainer unchains the elephant’s leg after years of captivity, you would think it would run and relish in its new found freedom. But it doesn’t. It stays in the same crippled state it’s been in its whole life because it doesn’t know any different. It has learned to live in captivity.
Well, turns out my hands aren’t tied at all. I am just holding them there behind my back because I’ve become so accustomed to captivity. But I’m not captive. And I need to stop acting like it.... but how? What a journey I am beginning!!

Help Me In My Unbelief

It all started in the prayer room a couple weeks ago. I was lounging on some pillows looking around at all the prayers written on the chalkboard wall and just began talking to God about some things. Basically asking Him for something big. Something that maybe some people would think silly to talk to God about, but I was.

Now to back up just a bit.... I have always considered myself a person of faith & belief. I have never doubted that God can do anything, give miracles, grant favor, bestow surprise blessings, etc. I can strongly and sincerely stand in faith and believe God for the impossible for OTHER PEOPLE. But if I am really honest, gut wrenchingly, nakedly, humbly honest I have a very hard time believing He wants to and will do the same things for me. Just as strongly and sincerely as I have faith for otherS, I just as equally don't have it for me. I look at the people I know who seem to have so much favor and see God move so evidently in their lives and I know it's because they are better, more selfless, more giving, give better offerings, say nicer things, are better moms, are patient, and the list goes on...

And if i were reading this about another person I would leave a comment telling them how wrong this is and how much God loves them just as much as anyone else and wants to and will do all the same things for them as others. I would tell them it's not about offerings, or patience, or who is nicer....I have that kind of faith for other people. But I think in regards to myself, it has to be about those things. It must be about those things. I know they are better than me. It makes sense that God would do more for them. I get it.

Back to the prayer room. So I am talking to God and asking Him for this big thing, knowing He can, but doubting He will. Thinking all those things I just rambled on about. And so I began asking God why I have such a hard time believing the same for myself as I do for others when it comes to God's love, blessing, favor, etc. Now,I don't always hear God answer when I ask Him a question and KNOW it is Him. I miss hearing his voice the way I used to. But Oh did he speak. And it hit me like a semi truck. He said,

"Because those you trusted and loved most have betrayed you and let you down, you think I will too." Even now, 2 weeks later, writing it down is bringing all the emotions back.

I am sitting in the prayer room in the middle of the day, crying. Anyone could walk in at any moment, and I really didn't want to be crying! But I couldn't stop. His answer was such simple, painful truth, and yet I never realized it. I have put God in a human box. And I want to let Him out but I don't know how.

It's like I was blind and have been given my sight and there is a gift in front of me but my hands are tied behind my back. I don't know if this is encouraging or horribly discouraging! To know this truth and still not know how to put it into action. How do I let go of a lifetime of lies and disappointment and REALLY LET GO? How do I see God as my loving, Heavenly Father? That is almost impossible for me. Friend, Savior, Lord, Creator. EASY. And sometimes I feel like that is enough because trying to imagine him as Father is....almost painful. I have had 2 failures of fathers. EPIC failures. My grandfathers- fail. So how could I believe good for me and another dad relationship? I know the right things to say here, it's all in my head. But my heart is light-years away from my head.

I better stop writing now or this will never end! I could keep going and going and going. Basically I am in a place of recent revelation. I know why I have doubted God. And I want to change it all..... I just don't know how.

So simply put, my hearts DESPERATE cry is " GOD I BELIEVE. HELP ME IN MY UNBELIEF."

long lost something....

I found this on the laptop. something I began writing and obvioiusly never got back to. don't know if it would be good, but reading it makes me want to get back to it. to do some character building or research or something.....wish i could remember what was going to come next!

I will never forget the moment they told me the news. It will forever be emblazoned in my mind. Where I was, who I was with, what the sky looked like, the way the air smelled. I can recall every single detail with such vivid clarity that I can physically feel it all over again. Who knew that two little words could evoke such emotion, such pain, such anger. He’s dead. Two words. And those words are enough to send your entire life into a tailspin. Everything you thought you knew, every plan you made comes crashing down around you. When you are told that the person you love, the one you were to spend your life with is dead nothing can prepare you for the hole that is ripped out of you. Nothing can prepare you for the emptiness. Even if you knew they could die, even if you expected it, you still are not ready for that fear, that possibility to become a reality.

We had been in hiding for many months. We even started to hope. But hope was quickly destroyed. We knew who to hide from, we knew who would report us to the Roman guard. And yet, it was not our enemy who betrayed us, but our own blood. You think that you know a person. As though sharing blood somehow gives you a path into a person’s soul. I used to believe that way. But now, as I listen to the sound of the masses, hungry for blood, I realize how little I truly knew about my own family.

Where did the simple days go

I haven't written on here in AGES....I don't know what happened. But I think I am about to copycat a wise friend and ditch the world of Facebook, for an undetermined amount of time. Maybe I will write on here more...Maybe I will get more done at home. Maybe I will enjoy my kids more.

WARNING: COMPLETE AND RANDOM SUBJECT CHANGE AHEAD. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

I want to go back in time. Seriously. I don't mean I wana re-do. I mean I literally want to take my family, and some friends who would be willing, and go back in time. To before TV, before computers. Perhaps we could have record players because I SO enjoy music. But I want to be in a time when everything wasn't so fast paced. When we weren't always trying to get everywhere and do everything as fast as possible. Before fast food. I said once I would love to go and spend a few weeks with the Amish. As an Amish. I know some people will read this and think, are you crazy? Well, maybe. But I would love to live in a community that was about relationship. Where all the women would get together and talk and laugh and be crafty. They would cook meals together. Weddings were a community event... everything was. and I know there is much legalism there and not much grace always...but still. they have some things right. Maybe it would be better to say, give me the mid eighteen hundreds. In the glory days of Jane Austen.... The dresses, the dances, the sharing of life. Simplicity. I know it might be a case of "the grass is always greener" but sometimes I just want to get rid of all the stuff, ya know? To just wake up and spend time with your family and yes cook and clean.....but everything was slower paced. Everything was more focused on people and relationships than stuff and things....

In some ways I had that when I was in YWAM. I went 2 years with barely any TV other than movies. ANd you know what? I didn't miss TV. Relationships were the focus. We lived life together. We shared together and were real, and life was relationship... In face most non-western countries are still that way. Like Mexico. People may be late, there might not be so much scheduled, but you know what? There is always time for family and friends. ALWAYS. And isn't that what it's all about anyway?

I am sorry to ramble on. But I think I need to get away. Far away. And gain a new perspective. Or recapture an old one.....maybe it is as simple as going dark... at least on Facebook. We will see......

Haunted

I feel haunted, assaulted while I sleep
There is no warning. Nothing to prepare me for your arrival
You show up unwanted and manage to unearth the pain & loss
The tears & hurt
Even the friendship and love
I wish I could keep you away
I entreat you not to plague me
But you do
Forever locked away in my subconscious
Yet able to unleash yourself to invade my slumber
My heart was left broken and tattered.
Did you claim a piece as plunder from battle
Or is the memory of you simply a remnant of another life that will forever be with me?

A Good Feeling...

Sometimes I feel aimless. Sometimes I feel like I am not making a difference in anybody's life and feel like the people that I am trying to help just have their ears plugged and don't want to listen. But tonight I don't feel like that.

I have been spending time with a young woman lately. She is just out of high school and is so sweet and fun and has a heart for God and we have some definite similarites. It has been so refreshing getting to spend time with her and talk and get to know eachother. And I definitely feel like this is a God thing. She is in a similar place emotionally as I was at her age, and I feel like God is really giving me the opportunity to speak into her life as a friend. It's just really good when you can see God's hand in something. It might not be earth shattering or anything, but I still see God's hand in it, and it is good. Being able to feel like I am being used, even if it's just a small way, is wonderful and humbling...I like seeing God's hand in things :)

Just a little something....

This is going to be short and sweet. At least that is my intention. I hope that I am able to stay short :)

I was just looking at my blog page and was looking at the photo I have there with my title. I really love that photo. I found it on the internet, but it is so perfect I think. It rings of hope to me. That there is always promise, there is always hope. Even when things look dark, ominous & discouraging...I am tired and am not the most eloquent at the moment, but the picture made me smile. I was listening to A Picture of Your Love today(not good when you are doing your make up and on the verge of tears while worshiping!)and this picture reminds me of this song:

Your love is the rock that I cling to.
Your name is the tower that I run into.
Your strength is what lives my head when it's bowed low.
Your song is the light that sines through my window.

And like the sun after all the rain is gone,
The morning without any cloud comes.
With a picture of your love.
And when I think of the stars so high over me,
The moon in the darkness lets everyone see
A picture of your love.

After the Rain has fallen.
...the sweetest name remains on my soul.
After the rain has fallen, after the clouds all role away,
...the sweetest name remains on my soul.

Cause you faithful, your always the same.
Your faithful, know you never change.
Your faithful, your always good. always good.

Though I walk through the valley of shadow of death,
I have no doubt, you have already gone ahead.
My fire by night, my cloud by day.
Though ten thousand fall to my right and my left,
under the shadow of the most high, I find rest.
My fire by night, my cloud by day.

Nevertheless...

I am reading a book, nothing hyper spiritual or earth shattering. Just a novel about an Amish girl who leaves her community because of some terribly tragic things that happened to her. Anyway, that is beside the point.

At the end of the book she heard a voice say to her, amidst her grief, Nevertheless.
Tragedy strikes, nevertheless...
Life is not always what you expect, nevertheless...
Relationships fail, nevertheless...
People hurt you, nevertheless...
You feel broken, nevertheless...
You feel empty, nevertheless...

The list can go on and on. Fill in the blank. But I started thinking about that word, nevertheless. Never the less. I have heard that word plenty, I understand the meaning. But I have never REALLY thought about it.

Nevertheless means that what is coming is NEVER in subjection to what has happened. NEVER. That encourages me!

My family is in tatters, nevertheless God is good! Nevertheless healing can come!

God's goodness is never the less to our circumstances. Thank you Lord for that!

I don't always feel like a daughter of God, a friend sure, but a daughter? NEVERTHELESS, he calls me child. And calls me. And calls me. And never gives up.

I feel unworthy, nevertheless, God says I am.

What is your nevertheless today?

Clinging

Have you ever clung on to something or someone? Held on so tight in fear of losing what you love? Or maybe you cling to it, not out of love, but because it is all you have ever known. The fear of letting go of what you hold so tightly to can cripple you. It makes you doubt everything you know is true. Even common sense can fly out the window when you are desperately clinging. You grasp and cling until it is excruciating. But the very thought of letting go is more painful than that caused by holding on....and then something happens. Something that causes you to instantly open your hands and let go. But instead of relief you find that what you were holding onto has broken like delicate glass in your hands, leaving shards embedded in your skin. And you know that it will be impossible to remove every fragment of glass and the wounds are so deep you will always bear the scars of what was once whole and is now irrevocably shattered. Even if you heal, you are forever marked. And the remnant will always be there reminding you again and again.

Here Goes Nothing....

So, this is my first blog entry. I never thought I would do a blog and here I am jumping on the bandwagon. I am not sure what this will look like. I don't know what all I will write about. I don't even know why I am doing this! I think this will be a great outlet to write and release and think "out loud"....and yet I need to really grasp that anybody, anywhere can read this. How much will I share? How much do I want to share? There is great freedom in transparency and openness, but there is also great risk....I think I will need to weigh and measure the gift and the risk each time I write :) But this is just a post to get things started. To say "Here I am blog world, ready or not!" So, I will begin pondering what to blog. Life is beautiful, life is messy and we are a broken people trying to make sense of the good, the bad, and all that goes with it. I guess that is what I will be writing about.